Reminiscing.

Jack turned four months old on Sunday, and one year ago today Blake and I found out we were pregnant. Looking back on that day, I remember feeling so many emotions. Initially, I was happy. Then, sad. Then, I was scared. Then, happy again. Round and round they went, my feelings towards pregnancy fluctuated quite drastically over the course of those first few weeks. I lie - my feelings and emotions towards having a baby fluctuated throughout the entire pregnancy. I was scared of facing the permanent change that was imminently coming. I was worried about how my relationship with Blake would be altered, and how this new life would affect the life we had created together; the life we were so comfortable living. I was worried about my ability to parent and scared of the responsibility facing me. The responsibility that would never go away.

"We don't know who he is yet, or what he's gonna be. And that is a wonderful thing." (Mad Men)   

Although the worry has not left me, it has been joined by a constant sense of wonder. When I look into Jack's eyes, I see an entire life that is yet to be discovered. It's an absolute thrilling thing. And it truly is wonderful. He has yet to be molded by this world. And I don't have the answers to any of the questions I find myself wondering about on a regular basis. What kind of life will he live? Will it be everything I want it to be? What kind of child will he be? Teenager? Adult? Who will he fall in love with? What will he be? A good person? 

What a ride pregnancy was. And, what a trip it was to bring Jack into this world. Everything is so surreal. Foggy. How in the world did Blake and I manage to create this perfect little life? And why am I so lucky to have him? I have so much love for this child, it's impossible to describe. Sometimes, my heart just aches. It's like a little piece of it has been removed from me and given over to him. I'll never get it back. My heart will never be completely whole again, because it no longer belongs entirely to me. It belongs to him. That's the only way I can even remotely describe the depth of my love for this little boy. This simple and sweet little boy. 

Time is flying by. I can't believe Jack is 4 months old now. He's jabbering. He's giggling. He's sitting and rolling over. He's interacting and exploring the world around him. He's a teething monster and the sweetest thing all at the same time. He's changing and growing every single day. It feels like yesterday that I heard his cry and held him for the first time. This helpless little innocent who I am responsible for protecting and guiding through life. My world has changed. My relationship with Blake has been altered completely. And everything is so much better. Babies bring hope into the world. They are perfect little creatures that deserve nothing less than to be loved unconditionally by every person around them. I'm so lucky to have Jack in my life. I hope he will always know that.         

Happy four months. Thank you for joining us. 

-Jess.

Three Months.

Jack turned three months old on Sunday, June 23rd. I can't believe how quickly this little boy is growing and changing; literally right before our eyes.

Some great things have been happening this past month. Jack is now consistently sleeping through the night, only on occasion does he wake up hungry (like his daddy) at 2 a.m. It's so amazing to finally have a full night's rest, even if the morning comes extremely early.

Jack has become more interactive. He coos and squeaks at us, waves his arms and kicks his feet like a mad man. It's pretty adorable.

The most simple things are completely hilarious to Jack, although he hasn't quite mastered the laugh yet. Right now, his laugh is more of a high-pitched, airy squeal and a huge, gummy grin. It will happen before we know it, and I absolutely can't wait to hear him truly laugh.

About a week before Jack turned 3 months, he gave me my very first real hug (at least that is what I'm claiming). I was carrying him up to his room for nap time. He laid his head on my shoulder, wrapped his tiny little arms around my neck, and gave me a squeeze. This could have been purely accidental, but it was seriously the best moment of my day and brought a little tear to my eye. I love this boy so much. It's incredible how the little things get to me.

Jack has gotten really strong now. He is nearly an expert at holding his head up, and we've recently started practicing sitting in his Bumbo chair. It seems like he learns something new every day. It amazes me.

Jack has been going to Daycare for a little over one month now, and Blake and I are so pleased with how it is going. Jack's teachers are so nice and they just absolutely adore him. They work with him so well, and have been instrumental in his development. I'm so grateful for their experience. It's been so worth it, and it's just so nice to know that Jack is in good hands while Blake and I are away working. It's nice not to have to worry.

I know it sounds cliche, but I truly never thought I could love as deeply as I love my son. He is such a gift. He is absolutely incredible, and sometimes when I'm holding him I feel so overwhelmed that I could quite literally just squeeze and kiss the little life out of him. There are times when just thinking about him brings a tear to my eye. There are nights when I struggle to put him to bed, because all I want to do is hold and listen to him breath next to my ear. I feel like he is too good to be true. I feel like he can't possibly be mine forever. I love him so much, and it terrifies me.

-Jess.