We Call Him Jack.

Jack Mariun-Paul Harris, our little Easter baby, was born on March 31, 2013 at 12:50 a.m. He weighed 6 pounds, 6 ounces at birth and was 19 inches long. He is absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way. I can't believe an entire week has gone by with him in my life, nor can I imagine life without him. I'm so happy to have him here with me and Blake. This first week has simply flown by, yet it feels like someone has hit the pause button at the same time. He is such a little miracle and blessing to Blake and me; we both love him more than we ever thought possible.

Looking back on the labor and delivery of Jack, it seems the small details of that night have already began to fade away into the background. I began having regular contractions Saturday morning (March 30) at around 8:00 a.m. Blake had just gotten home from a 12-hour graveyard shift at the hospital and spent the morning rubbing my lower back for me in an effort to ease the pain. My contractions were regular at 10 minutes apart. My mom had stayed the night with me while Blake was at work and throughout the day we did little projects around the house, went for short walks, and continued watching and timing my contractions. Around 4:00 that afternoon my contractions had reached about 7 minutes apart, and Blake felt it was time to put the call into work and let them know he wouldn't be making his next shift. It seemed we were on our way to having a baby! 

I waited it out for as long as I felt I could go. Around 6:00 that evening my contractions were 5 minutes apart and the intensity was to the point where I could no longer talk through them. Each contraction began in my lower back, a cramping and tightening pain that spread throughout my pelvis and down into my thighs. I had to consciously tell myself to keep breathing, as my initial response was to hold my breath and wait it out. My mom and Blake were helpful and kept pace with me during each contraction, rubbing my back and reminding me to take deep and slow breaths. It was at this time we decided to pack up our things and make the 25-minute drive to the hospital.

Upon arriving at the hospital, Blake, myself, and my mom were taken into the Examination room by nurse Jodi. After checking me, Jodi informed me that I was 2 cm dilated and 90% effaced. She said we would wait for 1-hour to see what kind of progression I would make. She explained that if there was no progression, more likely than not I would be sent home with medication to ease the pain. She asked about my allergies and I told her the only medication I couldn't take was Percocet. The three of us kept our eyes on the clock as I continued timing each contraction, which still remained at 5-minutes apart. Once the hour was over, Jodi examined me again and let me know that there had been no progression at this time. Tears swelled in frustration and disappointment at the thought of going home to wait. I had been waiting and watching the clock all day. I felt done with it. I felt completely done with being pregnant, done with having contractions, done with everything. All I wanted was to be put in a delivery bed with an epidural in my back and Jack in my arms. I didn't want to wait any longer.

Jodi could see my frustration and shared her story of a 36-hour delivery where she was sent home twice. Somehow this story didn't make me feel any better about the situation I found myself in. It only increased my anxiety that this was never going to end. She gave me the option of waiting 1 more hour and suggested walking throughout to see if we could make anything happen. Blake and I spent the next hour walking around in circles and hoping for change.

It was about 9:00 when Jodi examined me again and gave me the disappointing news that nothing had changed. Because my Doctor was out of town, she checked with the on-call Doctor who made the determination that it was time to send me on my way. I was given Loratab for the pain and told to come back to the hospital when the contractions increased in intensity. Being sent home was the most disheartening and frustrating experience. I absolutely did not want to go home. I was terrified to go home. I felt like I needed to stay at the hospital; that I needed to have this baby delivered. Not understanding at what point I should come back, I asked Jodi to explain how I would know. I had waited until my contractions were regular at 5-minutes apart and found myself so confused and uncertain of what else needed to happen before being admitted for delivery. Jodi admitted it was tricky and told me to simply come back when the intensity of each contraction became greater and I felt like I no longer wait. Still feeling confused and frustrated, I took the pain medication and began getting dressed to go home. Blake helped me to the car, and I felt so embarrassed as I had my next contraction in the parking lot while a few onlookers stared in my direction. 

The drive home was what I thought the longest drive of my life, but little did I know the return drive would feel even longer. We arrived home around 10:15 and Blake helped me into a warm bath to soothe the pain. At this point I was a bit loopy from the Loratab; however, it felt like it wasn't even touching the pain of each contraction. I got in the bath and soaked for a long time. It was soothing and helped dull the pain I felt throughout my lower back and thighs. As I laid in the bath I began trying to visualize holding the baby, how his skin would feel, what his hair would be like, his eyes, his nose, and so on. I tried imagining the happiness and love I would feel once this was over, trying to focus on positive emotions in order to distract myself from the here and now. I think I may have nodded off a couple of times while I waited. Blame it on the long day or the Loratab, but I began feeling very relaxed.

A little before 11:00 Blake came up and checked on my while I was in the bath. He sat on the side of the tub talking to me for a bit, helping me keep my mind off of each contraction. He asked if I was still timing them. I responded that I thought they were about 4-minutes apart but I wasn't completely sure. He asked if they felt more intense. I said I didn't know, the medication was making me feel dizzy. While we were talking I began crying like a little baby. Fear of the unknown had welled up inside me and I felt frightened like a little kid. I told him I was afraid because I didn't know when we should go back, but that I wanted to go back so badly. I told him I was afraid we would get to the hospital too late and that I wouldn't get the epidural or pain medications I so badly needed. I told him I was terrified that I was going to have the baby naturally, and that all I wanted was an epidural - or something to help ease the pain. I didn't want to feel the contractions any longer, I absolutely did not want to have a natural birth. I told him I couldn't do it. I wasn't cut out for it. Labor and delivery, and the thought of having a natural birth, had literally been my biggest fear throughout the entire pregnancy.

It was during this conversation that I felt my water break, although I didn't realize it had happened at the time. I immediately covered myself and started crying even heavier tears, I was so embarrassed. I told Blake that I thought I had just peed in the tub and that I needed help getting out. Blake, being the patient and loving husband and nurse that he is, calmly told me to move my hands. He then told me it looked like my water had broke. He helped me up and said it was time to go. As my mom helped me get dressed again and assured me that everything would be okay, Blake called the hospital and spoke with Jodi about my situation. It had only been about 45 minutes since we had left, but he wanted to let her know he was bringing me back. Jodi told him to bring me in and she would check for progression.

By the time we got into the car I understood what Jodi meant by an increase in the intensity of each contraction. I felt like screaming every time I felt that cramping pain throughout my back, the pressure in my pelvis and thighs hurt more than I could have imagined. I could barely keep my breath. I think Blake must have drove 70 miles per hour the entire way to the hospital; thank goodness we didn't see one cop. It was still the longest drive of my life and I was begging for us to get there. When we finally reached the hospital entrance, Blake quickly grabbed a wheelchair and wheeled me up to labor and delivery. Shortly after I checked in, Jodi examined me and announced I had dilated to a 3. We moved into the delivery room. It was now around midnight.

Once in the delivery room I told Jodi I wanted the epidural as quickly as possible. She informed me the nurse anesthetist was just finishing one, and would be in as soon as it was done to take care of me. The on-call Doctor then came in and introduced himself. He told me what I could expect throughout the night, how long most first-time labors took, and that he would be breaking the remaining of my water, as it appeared it hadn't completely broken during the trip. Blake was standing by my bed and my mom sat on a chair against the wall as the Doctor and nurses prepared the room. Blake called his mom on the phone and let her know where we were at, and that he would call her when I had progressed a bit more so she could make it to the hospital for delivery. 

Once all was prepped and ready to go, the Doctor broke what remained of my water. I asked about the nurse anesthetist and was reassured he would be in shortly. Shortly after the Doctor broke my water, I had a huge contraction. It was larger and more intense than any other I had experienced up to that point, and it didn't seem to subside for a long time afterwards. The Doctor examined me and announced that I was dilated to a 7. It had been a short 20-minutes since we were admitted. He told the nurses to get ready, this baby was on the way!

My world got hazy and the fear I felt earlier in the tub tripled. It was coming true. I kept thinking this couldn't be real. I kept telling myself to hold on, mentally ordering the baby to wait. I heard Blake put the call to his mom and give her the update so that she could get to the hospital as quickly as possible. It was at this point my contractions became quite literally unbearable. I began screaming, crying out, grunting and groaning, making noises I never thought possible. I cursed a bit and found myself grabbing hold of whatever was available. I was begging everyone and anyone within earshot for the epidural.

Finally, what seemed like hours later, the nurse anesthetist made it into the room. He was extremely short with me and I felt like he was angry that I was being so noisy. I couldn't help it. I felt like I had absolutely no control over my body. Between my shouts I apologized for my loudness, and the nurse helped me get in position for the epidural. The nurse anesthetist began prepping my back and told me to maintain as much control during each contraction as I could, that I needed to remain perfectly still. I sat on the side of the bed, my legs crossed at the feet and my knees closed as tightly as I could manage. I gripped the nurse's arm like never before and continued crying out with each contraction. 

Finally, everything was prepared and I was ready to have the epidural administered. It was at this moment that I had a huge contraction and began feeling the baby descend. I screamed, "He's coming! He's coming!" The nurse told me not to push and to stay as relaxed as possible. I yelled at her that I couldn't not push. I had to push. My body was pushing for me. "He's coming!" I was bawling. The nurse anesthetist seemed even angrier than before. He looked at the nurse and curtly asked what they should do from here. The nurse told him that she would check and see where I was at. It was at this time that I heard the words, "Yup. He's here." The baby was crowning.

I held me legs together as tight as I could manage and felt the contraction begin to slowly subside. The nurse anesthetist asked what he should do, if he should move forward with the epidural or not. I yelled, "Do it. Do it now!" He told me to hold still and the next moment he said, "It's in. You're done. You should feel the numbing begin in about 10-minutes." The nurse helped me lay back, I thanked the anesthetist, and another huge contraction began sweeping over my entire body. The Doctor checked me over. I was at a stage 3, it was time to push.

I began crying that I couldn't do it. I wanted to stop. I couldn't do it. The nurses, Doctor, and Blake reassured me that I was doing it and that I could continue doing it, that I could make it through, and I only had just a bit more to go (Afterwards, Blake explained to me there is a term he learned in nursing school for this stage of labor. The "I can't go on stage" - I forget what he called it exactly. I felt like a wimp;  he assured me I was normal).

With every command from the Doctor, I cried out and pushed as hard as I could manage. The pain was still present, but I found myself pushing through it, wanting to be done so badly. Finally, we took a break. I could feel my legs begin to tingle, the epidural was starting to kick in. "One big push left." the Doctor said, "You're almost there." 

For my final push I was nearly numb. As I watched the doctor hold Jack up for me to see and Blake cut the the umbilical cord, all of the pain I had previously felt was gone. I felt an overwhelming sense of calmness and peace. I felt a joy that can't be described, which again brought tears to my eyes. I cried. I cried like a baby as I watched Jack get poked and prodded and cleaned up, ready to be held. The nurse asked if I wanted skin on skin. I nodded and she placed Jack on my chest. I looked into his eyes and started crying again. It was the greatest moment of my life. Every second of the labor and every moment of delivery was worth him being in my arms. I was in love with him the moment I heard his cry, and the connection I experienced as I looked into his eyes is one that can never be explained and will never be forgotten. I would do anything for him. In that moment I knew he was my life. 

The Doctor shared all of Jack's vital information with me and Blake; his weight, his size, time of birth, all that fun little bit of information. He then told me that from the time I was admitted to when Jack was born only 40-minutes had past. I felt like it had taken all night, but he told me I was the fastest first-time delivery he had ever experienced in his career.

Shortly after, my mom brought my dad into the room, and Blake's mom and step-dad arrived to meet their new grand-baby. Jack was passed around the room and everyone immediately fell in love with him. He was wide awake, looking around and examining everything his little eyes made contact with.

A short while later, the nurse cleared the room except for Blake, me, and Jack. She then helped me feed Jack for the first time. He immediately took a latch and fed for 20-minutes. We looked at each other throughout his feeding and I found myself in awe by what was taking place. Blake and I shared our amazement and love for our new son. It was just the 3 of us. We were completely overwhelmed.  

The delivery of Jack was a really incredible experience for me. Looking back on it, I am still somewhat overwhelmed by the emotions and feelings that encompassed that brief and ever-long period of time. Blake and I have already had a few laughs looking back on our conversation in the bathtub. I was so terrified of a natural delivery. I felt so inadequate and incapable of making it through. My biggest fear throughout these past 9 months has been having to deliver Jack without an epidural. Its funny how things unfold. I wouldn't change one thing about how Jack came into this world. It was so worth it.

His first week of life has been filled with stares, poopie diapers, sleep, and photos. I am completely in love with my son. 

-Jess.
And a song:  Still Fighting It. (Good Morning Son) - Ben Folds