Reminiscing.

Jack turned four months old on Sunday, and one year ago today Blake and I found out we were pregnant. Looking back on that day, I remember feeling so many emotions. Initially, I was happy. Then, sad. Then, I was scared. Then, happy again. Round and round they went, my feelings towards pregnancy fluctuated quite drastically over the course of those first few weeks. I lie - my feelings and emotions towards having a baby fluctuated throughout the entire pregnancy. I was scared of facing the permanent change that was imminently coming. I was worried about how my relationship with Blake would be altered, and how this new life would affect the life we had created together; the life we were so comfortable living. I was worried about my ability to parent and scared of the responsibility facing me. The responsibility that would never go away.

"We don't know who he is yet, or what he's gonna be. And that is a wonderful thing." (Mad Men)   

Although the worry has not left me, it has been joined by a constant sense of wonder. When I look into Jack's eyes, I see an entire life that is yet to be discovered. It's an absolute thrilling thing. And it truly is wonderful. He has yet to be molded by this world. And I don't have the answers to any of the questions I find myself wondering about on a regular basis. What kind of life will he live? Will it be everything I want it to be? What kind of child will he be? Teenager? Adult? Who will he fall in love with? What will he be? A good person? 

What a ride pregnancy was. And, what a trip it was to bring Jack into this world. Everything is so surreal. Foggy. How in the world did Blake and I manage to create this perfect little life? And why am I so lucky to have him? I have so much love for this child, it's impossible to describe. Sometimes, my heart just aches. It's like a little piece of it has been removed from me and given over to him. I'll never get it back. My heart will never be completely whole again, because it no longer belongs entirely to me. It belongs to him. That's the only way I can even remotely describe the depth of my love for this little boy. This simple and sweet little boy. 

Time is flying by. I can't believe Jack is 4 months old now. He's jabbering. He's giggling. He's sitting and rolling over. He's interacting and exploring the world around him. He's a teething monster and the sweetest thing all at the same time. He's changing and growing every single day. It feels like yesterday that I heard his cry and held him for the first time. This helpless little innocent who I am responsible for protecting and guiding through life. My world has changed. My relationship with Blake has been altered completely. And everything is so much better. Babies bring hope into the world. They are perfect little creatures that deserve nothing less than to be loved unconditionally by every person around them. I'm so lucky to have Jack in my life. I hope he will always know that.         

Happy four months. Thank you for joining us. 

-Jess.